I found a shelter in Bremerton. I called using a phone here at school. They have one room open. Its women only. I don't know exactly where it's located because the woman said they keep it confidential. Only people who reside know where the place is.

It seems like doom overhanging, the idea of going to a shelter. I don't know if I could get away with it. I don't know if I could do it without causing more problems at home. I'm trying to be responsible, make a good decision for both myself and my family. I know that living there now isn't healthy for me. And its not healthy for my mother, who keeps using me and my "needs" as an excuse not to take care of herself. I'm tired of being an excuse. I'm tired watching her slowly commit suicide, eating herself to death and making me an accomplice by making me get her food. But I don't want to exaserbate the problem. And I don't want to create problems for my brother. I don't know how it would effect him if I suddenly left.

But on the other hand, if I could get out and stay at the shelter long enough to get on my feet, maybe things would be better. If I was renting a room somewhere within a couple months, I wouldn't have to avoid my mother. I'd have somewhere to go, be independent, be able to speak freely and maybe make her make some changes for herself. Or not?

I really need advice, you guys. No pressure for definite answers, but impressions and thoughts would be much appreciated.

FUCKING HELL!!!! My mother took all my money. I fucking knew this was going to happen. All I have left is ten bucks, which I need to keep the bank account open. She took the entire fucking paycheck except for that ten bucks and the money I spent ordering checks, which are now all going to go to *her*. FUCKING HELL!!!!!!! I asked her what she needed it for. She said it was for food. Up my ass. She has money for food. She has every month. Until the month I get a job. Then she says she won't have money until the 21st of December... which takes my next two pay checks, not including the one she's already claimed. And she pretty much knows that she's not going to have a job after December, which means she's gonna claim my pay checks from here to infinity.

Fuck, you guys. I really don't know what to do. I thought I was going to be able to save up enough money to move out by January, or February. But now she has everything. I don't even have enough money for a $1.00 bus ride. And I can't say no to her. How can I say no to her? If I questioned why she needed it, she'd say I was accusing her of lying and she'd fucking squash me. I knew this was going to happen, but I was counting on her waiting a couple months to appease me, make me feel secure before she started asking for money. Fuck. Its only been a week. And she keeps holding stuff over my head like my medicine (which I haven't seen in 6 months), and my brother's meds for his diabetes. I fucking don't know what to do, and I have no where to go. I need to save up money for about a month or six weeks until I have enough to move out. But I have no ones couch I can crash on until then. I don't know if I can ask anyone at work. I don't know anyone well. Fuck. What do I do?

Thanks, Shahdy, for posting those pictures of Laura's party! I had to upload the page three times for all the pictures to appear, but it was worth it. :)

Well, I found out that I might actually be making more money as a cashier than if I were on comission. I'm getting paid 7.75 an hour, but the sales associates are only getting paid 6.50 plus the commission on whatever they sell, and commission only goes up to 6 percent, and that's on bridal rings only. Right now they're making hundreds of dollars, but during the summer, their slow season, I'll actually be making more money than them. I thought it was illegal for them to get paid less than minimum wage if they weren't meeting a specific amount in commission to make up for the low pay, but maybe not. Or maybe my info is wrong again.

One of the sales associates left, of course the one that's been helping me through most of my training. There goes my training wheels. (Swerves and crashes into bushes.) Instead of giving me her place, they've brought in *another* girl that they're having to train all over again. She's been working at the store for a while, but she's been over in shoes. I know more about jewelry than she does.

But she kept pissing me off. Three times over the past two days situations like this happened: She was with one customer, and another woman came up looking for a watch. I started helping her and pulled out a watch for her to try on. By now the other girl had finished with the other customer and she comes over and stands beside me watching me. The customer looking at the watch asks me a question, and as I open my mouth to answer, the other girl answers instead. Just butts right in. Doesn't actually know what the customer is looking for because she wasn't there when I started to help, but just throws in what information she thinks the customer was asking for. Won't let me get in another word. The woman decides she doesn't like that watch and I put it back (but not before the other girl tries to take it from her instead) and I close the case. The other girl takes this to mean that the customer is done looking, and walks away. But she's still sort of looking, so I start to ask her about what style she's looking for, etc... We talk for a few minutes, and I suggest we go over to the clearance case where there might be a style she likes in her price range. So we start to walk over, and AGAIN! the other girl butts right in! "Oh, I'll take this," she said, zipping over to meet the customer at the clearance case before I took even three steps, where she then proceeds to ask the customer the same questions I've already asked her, and the customer has to repeat everything over again.

I wanted to butt in like she had to me, but I didn't want to do it in front of the customer. I was mad that she'd superceeded me like that when I knew what I was doing and had had more training than her. I was even more mad for the customer who kept getting tossed back and forth between us.

So later when she was helping another customer and a second came up looking for a diamond ring, I started to help her. Again, the other girl finished with her customer before I did, and started to come over while I was answering the customer's questions. I saw her start to come over, so I launched into a schpeel about everything I knew about diamonds, explaining to the customer how they were formed, how that affected the color, clarity, etc... how that worked in the diamond she was looking at, how the diamond had been evaluated, and what all the information on the certification card told her. At the end, the other girl said, "You got this one," and walked away and pretended to do something at the register. She never butted in again for the rest of the day, and I sold a $700 ring. :D (On which she got commission. :P But a victory still.)

Also, they had me schedualed to cover the other girl's lunch and break, so I was actually in there by myself for 45 minutes yesterday. It took the other new girl who came in a couple weeks before me three weeks before they left her to help customers by herself, and I've only been there two weeks, so I must be doing fairly good.


I have no idea how to post the picture from my LJ Google search, but here's the address:

http://unixbeard.net/~richardc/talks/siesta/discodude.jpg

Scary....


Hey, does anyone know approximately how much it costs for groceries for one person per month? Emily, if you know your information would probably be more acurate since we're both vegitarians (which I think is usually cheaper), but any information would be much appreciated. Thanks! :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!!!!!!!

God, its so fucking crowded. No room to breathe.

I checked out a website you guys would like: http://www.sorryeverybody.com It's hundreds of people taking pictures of themselves apologizing to the world for half of America voting for Bush, and some other people from other countries accepting the apologies. A lot of people from Germany offering Americans room and beer. :)

I'm loving work. I'm loving spending less time at home. But it sucks only being the cashier and not being on commission, because I'm doing the same job as the sales people, but I have to give them the commission on whatever I sell. Yesterday I sold $400 worth of jewelry in four hours, more than the other two girls combined, and they got the money. Fucking sucks. Only a week and a half on the job and I'm already doing better than them but not getting the credit. Most of the time I love the job, and I really like the people I work with. But when I think about the fact that if I were getting commission I could be moving out and getting away from my mother I get pissed. Good news is my first pay day comes on Wen. We'll see what I make; maybe I'll still make enough to get out somewhere.

Date:	2004-11-08 17:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	beeping computer

I liked this, so I'm passing it along:

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99 of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

;D

I'm might be coming to California around Christmas! My parents are thinking that this year instead of giving each other presents we'll buy airplane or train tickets to take us down to San Francisco instead. I really want to come, though having the parents and brother along, especially my mother, would be a shitty time. But because my job at sears is going to require me to work probably at least through the first week of January I probably wouldn't be able to come until everyone's Winter Break was over.

I think though that they'll offer me a job at the end of the season. I know I won't have the experience or seniority, but I'm hoping that if I ask they might be able to get me a full time position somewhere, anywhere. I really want to transfer out of any place within easy reach of my parents. Even Seattle would be far enough. working for 8 dollars an hour I could afford some of the studio apartments I've looked up on-line, and the living expenses, and I should have about a thousand dollars saved up by the end of the seasonal job. I'd take a transfer to almost anywhere. Maybe, hopefully, I might be able to get a job down in California near you guys.

God, I hate having to come here to the computer lab to write you guys. I feel self-conscious with people constantly walking behind me and looking over my shoulder as they pass, especially the lab tech. There's some sweaty big buy sitting next to me who smells like gasoline, and another person on my right, no more than a foot between each of us. Home is oppressing because I'm hardly allowed to leave; the lab is oppressing because it's crowded and the only other place I'm allowed to go. School is depressing because its the only place I see people, but I don't really get to interact with them. I just sit there in the same room twice a week. But even with only that on my days off I wish it were Tues or Thurs. I calculated it out and - this is depressing - I spend approximately 75% of my waking hours by myself, with only the dog for company. Orientation for work is supposed to be tomorrow or Wens. I hope I can start this week.

Date:	2004-11-03 16:37
Subject:	Explain this...
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated
Music:	people trying to get the printer to work

Bush looses all three of his debates...
Cheney looses his debate...
Kerry/Edwards get more newspaper endorsements than Bush/Cheney, including from some of the most conservative papers in the country...
The democrats register 30% more voters than republicans...

...But somehow Bush still wins by 3.1 million votes? B.S.

My hypothesis:

Saudi Arabia.
Halliburton.
Bush's family.
Bin Laden's family.
All those damn CEOs and investors in the companies who make (and test) the machines that 5 out of 6 voters voted on this election who donated to the republican party over the democratic party at a ratio of 57:1.

The list goes on.


I knew this was going to happen. I've known for months. But somehow its even more disappointing being right than if I had believed Kerry had had a chance and he'd still lost.

I'm not going to Canada. I'm going to Scotland! Or maybe San Francisco. Think it might Cede from the states? ;)

Date:	2004-11-01 16:30
Subject:	Got a job! :D
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	old lady coughing

I finally got a job!!!

I went to the mall this morning, having made the decision that I was going to hit every store on the strip and ask if they were hiring until I found a job. I had already applied at four other stores when I went into Sears. I went in, and they told me that I had to go to the back of the store to fill out applications on their computers, so I did. It was so damn frustrating because the first computer froze, and the mouse on the second was one of those little roller balls built into the key board, and the arrow on the screen kept getting stuck. So I filled out the application. "You meet the minimum requirements. Please fill out this survey." So I started to do that. Of course the mouse keeps getting stuck, I can't use the tab key to get to the next question, and there's 70 questions in this survey, with one question per page!!!! So after almost an hour, I'm finally done with the application and survey. Apparently the survey answers were scored, becuase it came up with the screen: "Do you have time for an interview?" I answered yes, and it told me to report to the HR department.

So I go find the HR department. I go in and tell the woman behind the desk what I'm there for. "What job did you apply for?" she asked. "The application was for sales associate in the electronics department," I answered. "Okay," she says, and picks up the phone. Then she looks at me again, and says, "Actually, let me call someone else. ...Hi, Carrie. I have someone in here who just filled out an application and is here for an interview. She applied for the electronics department, but I think you might want her."

So Carrie comes in, and interviews me. Carrie turns out to be from the jewelry department, and after having me answer some questions she reaches over the table and shakes my hand. "Congradulations, and welcome to Sears."

So I start working behind the jewelry counter next week, which seems a step up from the electronics department. They certainly have stricter dress codes, and I get paid almost 60 cents more an hour than other cashiers. I have to go through a urinanalysis drug test before I can start working - fun - but its not too big of a deal. The job's only seasonal, but Carrie said that at the end of the year they always have some people who leave or get promoted, so there would be openings for me to move into a permanent position if I do a good job.

:D

By the way, penny, I was gold. I'm not sure if my description is a good or a bad thing.

"Forget that useless marching stuff - you're all about chair auditions, Solo & Ensemble contest, and bow ties. Oh, and you probably value your instrument more than you value your soul. Fo' shizzle."


So true!

What kind of band geek are you?

I spoke with the woman hosting the show I told about in my last post, and I'm schedualed to appear on Wensday night between 8pm and 9.

When I told my mother about the invitation she didn't give me an answer about whether or not I could do it, so I waited until she was out of the house and called the woman. I told her that evening that I was schedualed for the show, and though she didn't respond either approvingly or disapprovingly, she is obviously pissed. She made 'vegitarian' soup with chicken broth and tried to get me to eat it. Luckily, on a hunch, I checked the recycling bins in the garage and found nothing but chicken broth cans and cans for tomato paste - which was how she made it look like it was a tomato broth, not chicken. She used to do this whenever she was pissed at me, or just having a really bad week. Its the only time she ever cooks me dinner. But she hasn't done it in months. I've been having to avoid the soup all weekend. There's a huge pot of it in the fridge, and I'm running out of excuses. Hopefully it will start to mold soon.

Date:	2004-10-20 15:59
Subject:	TV Show Appearance!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Hey, everybody!

I don't know if you guys remember this - it was from a couple years ago, not too long after I moved to Washington - the Redwood Bark published an article on section 9528 of the No Child Left Behind Act which allowed military recruiters access to students' information. Concerned after I had read the article I had gone to the principle of the school I was attending and asked him if he knew about it. He had not; I gave him a copy of the section and a copy of the Bark article, and explained to him what the section meant. He said that he was concerned and that privacy noticifications would be sent out soon. But they never came. I had kind of expected this, so I wrote up a signed statement to be put in my file stating that I did not want military personnel to have access to my information. But two months later I began recieving calls from recruiters trying to get me to enlist. My mother and I went back to the principle and confronted him about the violation of my statement, and he said that they would be setting up a catagory in their databases which would distinguish students who had put in a privacy statement vs. those who had not, and they'd be able to take those students' names off the list given to the military.

However, almost a year later, my brother (who had also submitted a privacy statement) also began recieving calls from the military.

That was a few months ago.

A few weeks ago I discovered this really cool tv station called Link TV (channel 375 on Direct TV if you have it) which shows independent news shows in the US and in other countries and shows documentaries on everything from poverty in developing countries to news shows from the middle east and documentaries put together by university professors on the current administration. I went to the web site and submitted what I knew about section 9528 and my experiences with the system. The first email I got back said that while they found it concerning, they only could show programs already put together; they did not actually make shows themselves.

But apparently someone passed along the information, because I just recieved a second email saying that they are doing a three part series live next week, an FAQ about the draft and militarism, and they've asked me if I would make a call in appearance on their show! I think that I'll be able to do it, because my mother is just as pissed about this subvertive draft stuff as I am. So this should be interesting. :)

If I'm going to be able to be on the show I'll try to post again and tell you guys which night I'll be interviewed. But even if I'm not, you guys should watch it anyways. It'll be on channel 375 at 8pm.

:D

Date:	2004-10-13 16:53
Subject:	Big suprise. (Not.)
Security:	Public
Mood:	infuriated

First I have to complain. It really pisses me off when people come to the computer lab to just talk because "its quiet in here." Well, it *was* quiet in here before *you* came in! I really don't want to be hearing about who's having sex with who, or who's moving where when I'm trying to write a paper solving the economic problems of Iraq. That's hard enough already.

Well big surprise: my mother won't let me move to California. I didn't tell her I was planning on it, just kind of ran the idea by her as wondering whether it might be cheaper. She was adamantly against it. She was so for it after I tried to leave. It was *her* idea originally. Now I guess she thinks I'm complacent again. Being a bitch. (No one repeat that to your mothers. I'm pissed and venting.)

I told her that idea your mother had, Laura, about being a live-in nanny. She immediately went into this whole schpeel about how I'd just be a slave, how I'd end up doing all the house work. Maybe, but it couldn't be much different from now, getting her all her food and stuff, even when she's already in the kitchen herself! and at least I'd be able to go outside! She said I wouldn't like living in someone else's house. I'm already living in someone else's house: hers (and those are her words, not mine, from a year ago.) She said they wouldn't pay me what I was worth. Any pay would be more than I'm getting now, and she won't be able to take it from me. She said I'm not good with kids anyway and I don't even really like them. Funny, just a couple days ago she was telling me how much she looks forward to me becoming a mother, and how good I'd be at it. Bitch.

Unbeknownst to my mother I spend my time between War History and math class chatting with my history professor. He doesn't know much about my home life, but even with what little we have exchanged about ourselves he thinks I need to get out of here. I don't really like being pitied, but I'm fucking sick of lying. I shouldn't have to lie about my homelife to keep people from looking at me weird. So here's the truth: It plain sucks.

I'm pissed. I'm leaving. Even if I can't go to COM for the first semester I'm there, I can work and save up money to go, or get whatever I need or something. Anything but this shit.

The congress tried to pass a bill reinstating the draft on Tuesday, same day as the Vice Presidential debates. I seriously think that the only reason it didn't pass was because elections are coming up. This was a "dry run", a test to see who would support it and who might be convinced to support it, and a few people I've talked to agree that they'll likely actually pass it after the elections are over, when no one needs to worry about their poll popularity, and I have no doubt that it *will* pass then - for both men and women.

And the more I look at the map and politicians' language right now, the more I believe that America is likely going to go into Iran after elections (or perhaps even before, to scare voters). America occupies Afghanistan on one side of Iran, and Iraq on the other side (where it is currently building 14 new bases despite the fact that it is supposed to be withdrawing troops within a couple years). It is the perfect position from which to launch a two front war.

I hope I'm wrong, but better to be safe than sorry. So if you don't want to be toting a gun fill out those Conscientious Objector info papers I gave you guys! If you don't have one, go here:

http://www.oz.net/~vvawai/CtC/co-info.html

Date:	2004-10-08 13:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

Ahh, my nose!!! I hate being sick!

Well, I had a job interview at the Navy Exchange - which is like the Navy's version of target or k-mart but way crappier. I don't know if I'll get the job. I was the first interview; the manager had a stack two inches thick of applications for people she had to interview, and I have no previous experience working a check-out, so that's against me. But my dad works at the exchange, and the manager really likes him. She sat there for two minutes just going on about how great my dad is at his job. And my dad said that she really liked me when she talked to him later. So maybe I'll get hired. Ah, nepotism!

I feel kind of guilty applying for the job when I'm planning to come back down to California. But livejournal just doesn't replace actually seeing you guys. I might not be able to come down until summer or fall. I'm really going to try to get down there sooner, but its such an awkward transition time. My parents will be pissed because it will be durring the holidays (although they might be pissed anyways), and cutting out on a job so soon if I do get one might not look great, and it might not reflect well on my dad. Grrr. Why the hell did I apply there??? Oh well. I'll work it out somehow. :)

Found out that I can't transfer to the UW without having two or more years worth of credits towards some degree, and I sure as hell am not spending two years here. So guess I'm coming to COM! Now I just have to figure out how. Still trying to get a job, I've filled out five applications but haven't gotten anything back yet. Working on filling out three more. Frustrated because I feel like I'm not getting enough done. But trying to keep looking at the bright side: I'm coming back to California, somehow!

Gotta love the warning on the back of the package of peanuts you get on the plane: "Allergy Warning: Produced in a facility that processes peanuts." Well I sure hope so, otherwise what is it that I'm supposed to be eating?! I kept the package just for laughs.

Hey, all X-Philers, guess what my flight number was for the flight back to Washington?: 1121 ;)

Gotta love Washington. A balmy 58 degrees in the middle of September. I came back to rain and it hasn't stopped raining since. My dog was happier to see his ball than he was to see me. So much for puppy loyalty.

They redecorated my room while I was gone. >:( I had started before I had left, just painting the walls white and figuring out what to do after. They had made suggestions, "Why don't you do this? Or this? This would be nice." I didn't like any of the ideas, and already had ideas myself. I told them this, told them why their ideas wouldn't work towards making my tiny room any more functional. So they decorated it their way while I was gone. Get home and open my bedroom door, and Surprise! All redecorated. Looks like a hospital room actually. But they expect me to be surprised and happy, so I am, because its easier than "being ungrateful" and getting them pissed. Oh well, just one more incentive for getting the hell out of here. :)

The woman sitting next to me is carrying on a *very* long dialogue with herself about how slow the library computers are. It might actually be funny if she were rambling on about something else, maybe meatballs. But she's driving me insane.